this site pretty much sucks, honestly.

i haven't written in here lately. not much of a reason to. but it's been almost a year, so it was pretty much time to return i thought!

Shit has changed pretty incredibly lately, as fuckin usual. I love that i learn at such this pace. I speak so differently when I use a keyboard. I can get thoughts out much more easily than most people, and I feel in tune with shit a lot.

anyways, tonight's been pretty good. but to the next thought-

Plans have changed. Total turn-around. I want to be strong for good. It seemed hard to be strong. But lately, when I feel really sick in my heart, I remind myself that I don't want to be sad- I must heal my sickness with a sense of peace and knowing all is well.

I speak with such drama, but remember- it's all a scene in the movie of my life. I hope with all my heart, if I can have anything, it is to be able to watch the whole thing after I "die."

See ya next time, if ever?

Love alison.

I'm going to send it to the paper!

I understand the validity of not wanting to see other peoples’ private parts, but I think it is sexist and outdated that a woman cannot be topless in public, while males can. On a hot summer day, I should be allowed to ride my bike in tennis shoes and a pair of shorts. The idea is really not that appalling. The only differences between female and male breasts are milk ducts. What is so offensive about female breasts being visible? I sincerely believe that society has progressed into a state in which we no longer need to hold on to that silly taboo! Today’s uprising generations have learned the human body is a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be shunned from society. I really think that once we finally accept this as a whole, sexuality will not be cheapened the way it has been for quite some time now. We need to completely embrace who we are, and not feel like we need to hide ourselves. Please, let’s take the first step and guarantee equal rights to women and men in indecent exposure laws!

Untitled poem.

I wrote this in 2005, and although my feelings for that kid don't apply anymore, I really feel deeply about the context of the whole thing, especially the parts I bolded. That's why they are bolded of course. :]

And these gaps you've left me with...
I've been filling them little by little everyday.
Pretty soon, the deprivation that plagues me
Will exist no more
And I'll be able to look at pictures of you
And think of the memories,
Not once thinking of why we stopped making them.
Someday,
I'll be more than just well, like I am now.
I'll be more amazing than I ever thought I could be,
And more beautiful
Than you ever knew me to be.
Maybe you'll never miss me,
But that's okay, because
I'm not doing this to get you back.
I'm doing this for me.


---


My writing will get me everywhere, and I don't need anyone to help me! This is something I have accomplished all on my own. It's something that NO ONE can ever take from me, for my inner thoughts ARE poetry. You can't take that. You could take my money or my computer or my whole house, but my poetry is mine to keep forever.

A Sliver of Hope

I reached into the right-side pocket of my jeans that I had worn the night before, to remove its contents before I put the still-clean pants away. I already knew what was in there- a piece of paper (on which I had listed, "acidophilus") and some lucky pennies. Lucky pennies are ones that I find on the ground and stick in my pocket, whether heads-up or tails-up. Simply finding a coin makes it lucky for you!!
I remembered finding three of them altogether last night- I was walking around a nearby neighborhood. I always scan the ground for coins when I am walking outside, because they add up surprisingly quickly. I saw a familiar shiny, copper-colored disk on the road below me, gleaming. I stooped down to pick it up, and found two others within a couple inches of the first.
More than one coin is lucky, and if you even find another, the luck continues to be multiplied!!
Three is very lucky, thus.

As I pulled the scrap of paper and coins out of my pocket, I discovered something. There was an extra penny in my hand...
I didn't take enough time to act as I think, so I tossed them into the change jar and then realized I should have looked at the pennies to see what new year was added to the mix. Oh well.

Basically, I mysteriously had four lucky pennies in my pocket.
When I had found the three on the ground last night, I took it as an encouraging sign that maybe my supposed affliction is not real, and that I do not need to worry.

I can only hope.
And finding that extra lucky penny today, gives me even more hope.
Or it could mean what I daydreamed about as I walked around my room, entertaining the idea that maybe it was what I always wanted.
But I didn't really want it...

Changes!

So many doors are opening up, because I've opened them...
My dreams have been prophetic, and I'm overcoming so many fears! I am feeling comfortable again, revealing the true me to people. It isn't so hard. And I'm finding myself more interested in what's going on. Issues are being passed off instead of being used as excuses. I am facing myself. I am not afraid!!!
I am excited to move out! I am ready to be me!!

Get All Your Writing Together!!

If you have poems or ramblings or anything of the sort, get it all together in a binder! Or many binders! I have a different binder for every kind of writing and compilation I have.
It is very rewarding to have it all together in one place, all neatly typed out and in sheet protectors. Keep them growing!!!
If you write, don't stop.
If you don't write, start!!

It is a great way to reveal your inner you to the world!!!
Including yourself.

I'm Only Trying to Be Completely Honest

Those seeds you planted must be uprooted, but whose responsibility is it?
If you don't want to change it,
Why should I care?

You really can't blame me.
You really started it.

Clean Room, No Guests

I spend so much time making everything look just right, and I have no one to share it with but people who have seen it a million times- don't care about all the little changes along the way. I want a new friend to come over and see how interesting and cozy it is, and spend time in it with me. I need a friend like that.

Reassurance

I'll never leave,
You'll never leave,
We'll never leave.

Nothing can keep our souls apart; they are one.

Thanks to you,

Now I get
What I want.

I can do it, fuck yeah!!!

Oh jeez. Life is so ironic and it makes me happy.

Things always get better than they ever were before!!
I know I am being protected, but that doesn't mean I won't be in challenging situations.
I can be strong and humble...

I can be myself and be happy
I know it's true for sure.

So Scared and Worried

How should I know what to do??

Challenge

Nothing even seems to matter anymore...

No point in having a personality
No point in having something interesting to say
No point in sharing your feelings

My feelings, and yours too...

Could I be perfectly honest?
You don't gaze like you once did-
So intently,
Like the first time you fell for me...

I don't understand why I feel this way if I am so wrong
And what if he says really isn't true?
How am I to really know?
I truly worry that you deceive me
Am I pushing myself away?
When will you become a man?
When will you make me happy again?

It feels so fake
I feel like I'm being pushed in every direction
So how the hell can I move forward?

I don't want to be in these relationships anymore

Joshua, you hurt me
Emily, you hurt me

IT'S THE TRUTH
And however the fuck you guys really feel about me,
I must leave for me







But when can I decide?
How will I ever know when to let something go, and when not to?
When will I know for sure?
I don't know what to do.

Post Secret

Describing Our Times

The problem with every person alive was that although one could greatly satisfy its' ego, one could not satisfy its' Self.

5-26-2008

Still Letting Go

Learning to let go,
You'll never know
What it feels like to show
All you really hide
Fuck it hurts inside
Never could have known
'til I was fully grown
And I'm not even there yet
Though I swear: I just forget
I'm living and breathing
My days, my seconds have meaning
Music always sets a mood- it's a flow
Shrinking these doubts 'til there's nowhere for them to go
Release as I breathe,
I'm still full of steam
I'll reach into the other side
But I must meet my spirit guide.
PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE

5-25-2008

My artwork of my Head

New Perspectives

Things change so fast. I thought I was close to giving up on one of the best friendships of my whole life, but now I see that there is no concern really. She gets on my nerves so much, doesn't listen well, and everything else... but what was blocking us had nothing to do with our true desires. She wouldn't let me be there for her, so what could I do?

All I could do at the time was sit back and hope she'll come around, and see where I'm coming from. She pushed me away so much without meaning to or realizing it. It hurt me last night when she told me that I couldn't relate to her anymore, that I used to be able to and now I could not, but I knew she didn't mean it. And she knew it too, so everything turned out well. It's like she had to tell me lies right then so that she could feel the comfort of me telling her, "No, Emily, I love you, don't you see?" Not those exact words, but the same effect.

Sometimes we deny things or just lie to ourselves really, to protect ourselves. Or in hopes of a contradiction. We pretend there's no hope so that we can be proven wrong.

All these things I have written here are so jumbled up and the flow is all in my head, so there are many blanks here, and all you could get out of reading this are my tidbits of wisdom.

That's all that's important to me.

How I Really Feel Sometimes

When did
You
Listen to me?

When did
You
Hear what I say?

I never saw
I never heard
I never felt
You with me.

I shouldn't have to ask
I shouldn't have to fight
For your attention

That's right,
Don't even try
Don't worry about me
Worry about yourself
So you can be the only one
Getting ahead in this shallow world

I don't need you
I won't want you
Unless you're really here

You don't know how I feel
And I never give up
Trying to let you know.
But I do let things go.
You never see.
You never try to.

Your excuses- worthless
Your reasons- selfish
Your defense?- "I can't help it"

Well,
I can't help it either.

You hear, not listen
You tend, not care
You give in, not sacrifice

Maybe I don't want
You
In my life.

The Last Spider I Killed

I was standing at the window, smoking a bowl. I was watching the groundhog walk from my neighbor’s backyard into mine. I thought about how much that groundhog and its family had pissed off my parents, for they ruined electrical wires, leaving our outdoor hot tub unusable.
But my parents’ strife was in vain. The groundhog looked so cute and serene to me, and I knew that it didn’t understand it was creating a problem for us. It was just living.
I then saw the groundhog standing only a few feet away from a bird. They were looking in opposite directions. They didn’t acknowledge each other at all. It was honestly strange to me, seeing two completely different creatures in the wild, peacefully coexisting. I thought all of this was beautiful.
Just then, a particularly ugly, transparent spider made a casual stroll down inside my window, right in front of me almost, and was walking in a straight line. It didn’t pose a threat, but my silly human mind clothed itself in terror.
My first instinct was to grab a tissue and kill it.
I put aside rational thoughts in order to get the spider out of my sight- crushed under the tissue, and thrown away.
I ran and grabbed a couple tissues out of the box. I went to the window. The spider was still continuing on its straight-line stroll down my windowsill. Its route had not wavered. I didn’t take time to think. I just pressed down on it with the tissues.
I threw the spider’s life away.
Then I realized that I hadn’t needed to kill it. I could have left it alone, and it would have almost certainly left me alone.
I quickly felt like a fool, but God understood, and somewhere, another spider was merely born...